I know we've had some great favorite quotes, but sometimes I just need a laugh.  So, I'm proposing that everyone post their favorite joke.  Make sure it's PG.  Post no matter how corny.  Can't wait to see what happens.


Categories: General

Comments
Last comment By: John Frahm   Thu, 13 Dec 2018 00:47:18 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

A woman asks this guy if he has any kids.

 

The man replies, "Why yes I do. I have one that is under two."

 

She says, "I may be blonde but I know how many one is."

By: James Riddell  Mon, 03 Dec 2018 18:54:43 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

(what is a fap?)

By: Dan Bovinich  Mon, 03 Dec 2018 19:01:17 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Check Urban Dictionary.

I didn't know either but now I need a fap.

By: Frederick Law  Mon, 03 Dec 2018 19:07:53 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

grmx.gif

By: Paul Salvador  Mon, 03 Dec 2018 19:08:40 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Two termites enter a bar and ask, "Is the bartender here?"

 

 

 

 

 

Is the "bar tender" here?  get it - get it    lol

By: Jason Koonce  Mon, 03 Dec 2018 19:25:31 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Nop, can you translate it to Chinese?

By: Frederick Law  Mon, 03 Dec 2018 19:27:27 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the elderly widow & asked,

"How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"           

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.             

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

By: Dennis Dohogne  Tue, 04 Dec 2018 12:55:40 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Frederick Law wrote:

 

Nop, can you translate it to Chinese?

In other words, a tender bar is good for eating in the minds of termites.

By: Dan Pihlaja  Tue, 04 Dec 2018 13:47:15 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Jason Koonce wrote:

 

Two termites enter a bar and ask, "Is the bartender here?"

 

 

 

 

 

Is the "bar tender" here? get it - get it lol

*groan* 

By: Dan Pihlaja  Tue, 04 Dec 2018 13:46:38 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.             

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

By: Dennis Dohogne  Tue, 04 Dec 2018 14:10:36 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Why Didn't the skeleton cross the road?

 

 

he didn't have the guts!

By: Tom dunn  Tue, 04 Dec 2018 14:27:35 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

A guy's friend died. At the funeral he asks the widow if he could say a word during the service. She says that would be fine. He gets up, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora." The widow says, "That means a great deal, thank you."

By: James Riddell  Tue, 04 Dec 2018 15:17:04 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

That was really bad, but funny.

By: Vance Wright  Tue, 04 Dec 2018 15:19:35 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

I recently strung all the watches I had together to make a belt.  It was a complete waist of time.

 

 

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

By: Andy Sanders  Tue, 04 Dec 2018 15:25:36 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

That was very "Airplanish".

By: Vance Wright  Tue, 04 Dec 2018 15:30:28 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Joey, have you ever been…in a Turkish Prison?

By: Jason Koonce  Tue, 04 Dec 2018 15:38:49 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

A "mature" gentleman was exercising at the gym when he saw a very attractive young woman walk by.  He asked his trainer "Which machine should I use to impress that young lady?"  The trainer looked at the old guy, then at the young lady, then back at the old guy, and finally said "I'd suggest the ATM in the lobby."

By: Glenn Schroeder  Tue, 04 Dec 2018 15:40:14 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

These 2 kids are very smart and should have good future

EDIT: The moderator might get a wrong idea about image I posted before.

By: Jake Bakerin  Mon, 03 Dec 2018 18:53:41 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Here is another dirty old man joke

 

An old man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a drop-dead gorgeous young blonde on his arm.

"I'm looking for a spectacular ring for this young lady," he said.

 

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand. I want something very unique, and much more expensive" the old man said.

 

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.

 

"Here's a stunning ring at only $85,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

 

"Fine," the jeweler said. "And how will you be paying today?"

 

"I'll pay by cheque, but of course you will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a cheque today, and you can phone the bank Monday, and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."

 

Monday morning a very pissed-off jeweler phones the man. "You lied to me," he said, "There's no money in that account."

 

"I know that," the old man said, "But can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

By: Jake Bakerin  Wed, 05 Dec 2018 16:27:24 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

By: Dennis Dohogne  Wed, 05 Dec 2018 16:45:23 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke... So I attached a copy of my payslip on the first slide.  

By: Victor Frauenfeld  Wed, 05 Dec 2018 17:16:17 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

By: Dennis Dohogne  Wed, 05 Dec 2018 18:05:37 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

By: Dennis Dohogne  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 14:25:30 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Dennis Dohogne wrote:

 

 

...and fewer still will know it's a vinculum.

By: James Riddell  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 14:30:16 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

James Riddell wrote:

 

...and fewer still will know it's a vinculum.

 

Hey, cut that out. I didn't come to this thread to learn something.

By: Richard Ahlgrim  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 14:39:57 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Why did the tree fall down?

 

 

 

It was tired of standing.

By: Danny Edwards  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 14:44:01 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

ya learn something new everyday....

By: Dan Bovinich  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 15:55:59 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

No joke!  But I'll bet it makes you smile!

By: Dennis Dohogne  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 16:26:15 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Dennis Dohogne wrote:

 

No joke! But I'll bet it makes you smile!

That's great! He put some time and thought into that.

I especially like the slogan in the letterhead.

By: Tony Tieuli  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 16:31:16 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Give me your email, I'll sent you $20.

 

My banks trust me way too much

By: Frederick Law  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 16:43:48 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

He did this up right!  He should have had a reference to penalties if the son tried to approach the MOM branch.

By: Dennis Dohogne  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 16:57:25 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Tony Tieuli wrote:

 

Dennis Dohogne wrote:

 

No joke! But I'll bet it makes you smile!

That's great! He put some time and thought into that.

I especially like the slogan in the letterhead.

 

OMG, that is so awesome!!   I may just end up doing this!

By: Dan Pihlaja  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 17:09:10 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

I usually use F.R.I.E.N.D. loan.

Some got unlimited credit from M.O.M. and D.A.D.

Some long term loan got F.O.R.G.O.T.T.E.N. too.

By: Frederick Law  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 17:09:32 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Dennis Dohogne wrote:

 

No joke! But I'll bet it makes you smile!

Don't be desparated ! here is the backup

 

By: Christian Chu  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 18:22:15 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Maybe the CEO of DAD Savings & Loan should have sent his son this:

By: Dennis Dohogne  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 18:51:27 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

..I made some cash doing this.. and it was NOT using a power mower.

pushmower.jpg

By: Paul Salvador  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 19:03:51 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

True story. Not 5 minutes ago I actually heard these three jokes in our Q.C. Dept...

 

 

Q: Why did the elephant paint its fingernails red?

 

 

A: So it could hide in a cherry tree.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your refrigerator?

 

 

A: Just look for footprints in the butter

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

 

 

A: Time to build a new fence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By: Rick Becker  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 19:45:53 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Which brings to mind this one from fifth grade:

Q:  Where does an 800 pound gorilla sit?

 

 

 

 

 

A: Anywhere it wants!

By: Dennis Dohogne  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 19:48:07 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

I just couldn't resist...

 

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?

A:   Sir.

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A:   Anything you want, it can't hear you.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?

 

A:   To try to forget.

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,   grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A:  An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A:  So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A:  You don't, you get down from a duck.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A:  Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A:  An inside out elephant.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A:  Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

Q: What is grey and not there.
A:  No elephants.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A:  With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A:  No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,   and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A:  Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue,   and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A:  Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A:  Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A:  He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree. - similar joke - Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
A:  So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A:  A native eating cherries.

Q: How did Tarzan die?
A:  Picking cherries.

Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A:  A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.

Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A:  Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A:  It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A:  Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A:  So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.

Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A:  Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...

Q:  Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A:   Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A:  It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A:  It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A:  It thought it was an elephant.

Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A:  An elephant's foreskin.

Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A:  When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A:  Four, two in the front, two in the back.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A:  Chicken's day off.

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A:  About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)

Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A:  You can't get the toilet seat down.

Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A:  Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.

Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A:  Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A:  Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open   the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
A:  2 in the front and 2 in the back

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A:  Footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A:  Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A:  Can't get the fridge door closed.

Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A:  There's a VW bug parked outside it.

Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A:  Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge.   A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A:  Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A:  you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A:  You can't, silly.  There is only one Tarzan!

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A:  The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A:  Depends on the number of elephants.

Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
A:  The sun roof.

Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all   of them showed up except the elephants.  Why?
A:  They were stuck in the VW bug.

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A:  None, the elephants are in there!

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A:  Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A:  Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A:  Sole use of the elevator.

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A:  Walk him and pitch to the girrafe!

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A:  It's bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A:  There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A:  Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats? A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A:  A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A:  Bloody great holes all over Australia.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A:  Elephino.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A:  Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A:  So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A:  To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
A:  To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the   'F' out of the way.

Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries? A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A:  "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."

Q: What did Jane say?
A:  Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming   over the hill?
A:  Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A:  Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons   tons of bananas,.....

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A:  Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A:  Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
A:  That's when the elephants are skydiving.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A:  They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A:  From stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A:  From stamp out flaming ducks.

Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
A:  To fit on lily pads.

Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A:  That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.

Q: Whay are frogs so short?
A:  They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.

Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A:  Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: What is a furry alligator?
A:  A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A:  They can't tell time.

Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A:  Watchless natives.

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A:  5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A:  So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A:  No?  Well, it must work.

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street   wearing pink sweatshirts?
A:  They're all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A:  She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.

Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A:  Because they might let down their trunks.

Q. Why do elephants have four feet? A. Because lady elephants have big twats.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A:  Sheep. Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A:  Because sheep don't have strings.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A:  Snakes.

Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A:  Epileptic pigmies.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A:  There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
A:  His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A:  A pachydermatoligist.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A:  Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A:  A two-ton pickup.

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A:  "Can I be on top this time?"

Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A:  Cute, but can you breathe through it?

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A:  Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A:  Wipe it off!

Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A:  None of the offspring survived.

Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying   down in tall grass?
A:  VERY attractive.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
A:  The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A:  Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A:  He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A:  Cos(Theta)       Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A:  Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A:  Lots of room.

Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?
A:  An elephant.

Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A:  Swim for your life!!

Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A:  To trip low flying canaries.

Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A:  He wasn't laying on his back.

Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A:  Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.   (somebody want to explain this for me?)

Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
A:  Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A:  Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.

Q: What's that red stuff between elephants toes?
A:  Slow pygmies.

Q: How can you tell when elephants have been making love in your back yard?
A:  The fence is broken and one of your Hefty bags is gone.

Q: What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the   mountain slopes?
A:  Swim for your life!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A:  A dead ant.

Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two, but you need a real big bulb.

Q: What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
A:  A blow job.

Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A:  Start with a 3 foot zipper.

Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A:  An elephant with spare parts

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A:  To pick up the squashed chicken.

Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of   your car?
A:  Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!

Q: What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of   your car?
A:  Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!!

Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car?
A:  Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!

Q: What is the height of ambition?
A:  An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.

Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A:  Smokey the Elephant.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A:  Garbage bags!

Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A:  You miss most of the picture!

Q: Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads?
A:  Because if an elephant steps on them, they're fucked!

Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd stepped on a pygmie?
A:  Look what I just stepped in!

Q: What do elephants use for slippers?
A:  Sheep!

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A:  Nothing, peanuts can't talk.

Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A:  No? See, it works!!!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?
A:  A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole!

Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
A:  Elephant boogers.

Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?
A:  5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

Q: How do you know when an Elephant has  been in the baby carriage?
A:  By the footprints on the baby's forehead!                (damn elephants get into everything!)

Q. What's the difference between a little moron and an elephant?

A. About 20 pounds, but the elephant's gaining!

Q: How do you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?
A:  Your nose touches the ceiling.

Q:  What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?!?
A:   Silly, a mountain climber is a scaler and you can't cross a vector    with a scalar!

Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A:  Cinderelephant.

Q: What do you do with a elephant with 3 balls?
A:  Walk him and pitch to the bear

Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A:  About 40 lbs. Q: How do you equalize the two?
A:  Feed the elephant. (From the "Canonical List of Sorority Girl Jokes")

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
A:  The 'Elephino!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and an orangutan?
A:  One dead ape with two-foot stretch marks.

Q: How do you get an elephant to come in a thimble?
A:  Stuff a bale of hay in it.

Q: How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble?
A:  One straw at a time.

Q: What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs?
A:  An elephant with diarrhea.

By: Rick Becker  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 19:46:45 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Rick Becker wrote:

 

I just couldn't resist...

 

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?

A: Sir.

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?

 

A: To try to forget.

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree. - similar joke - Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A native eating cherries.

Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.

Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.

Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.

Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin.

Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)

Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.

Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.

Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.

Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.

Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge. A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.

Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
A: The sun roof.

Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW bug.

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A: None, the elephants are in there!

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the girrafe!

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats? A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
A: To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the 'F' out of the way.

Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries? A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."

Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons tons of bananas,.....

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are skydiving.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamp out flaming ducks.

Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.

Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.

Q: Whay are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.

Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can't tell time.

Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A: Watchless natives.

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.

Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.

Q. Why do elephants have four feet? A. Because lady elephants have big twats.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep. Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: Because sheep don't have strings.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.

Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
A: His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: "Can I be on top this time?"

Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!

Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.

Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.

Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.

Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life!!

Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.

Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasn't laying on his back.

Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (somebody want to explain this for me?)

Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.

Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow pygmies.

Q: How can you tell when elephants have been making love in your back yard?
A: The fence is broken and one of your Hefty bags is gone.

Q: What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the mountain slopes?
A: Swim for your life!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.

Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.

Q: What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
A: A blow job.

Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.

Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: To pick up the squashed chicken.

Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!

Q: What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of your car?
A: Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!!

Q: Whats more difficult than gettiny a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!

Q: What is the height of ambition?
A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.

Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Garbage bags!

Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!

Q: Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads?
A: Because if an elephant steps on them, they're fucked!

Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd stepped on a pygmie?
A: Look what I just stepped in!

Q: What do elephants use for slippers?
A: Sheep!

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.

Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See, it works!!!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?
A: A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole!

Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
A: Elephant boogers.

Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?
A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead! (damn elephants get into everything!)

Q. What's the difference between a little moron and an elephant? A. About 20 pounds, but the elephant's gaining!

Q: How do you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?!?
A: Silly, a mountain climber is a scaler and you can't cross a vector with a scalar!

Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.

Q: What do you do with a elephant with 3 balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the bear

Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 40 lbs. Q: How do you equalize the two?
A: Feed the elephant. (From the "Canonical List of Sorority Girl Jokes")

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
A: The 'Elephino!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and an orangutan?
A: One dead ape with two-foot stretch marks.

Q: How dow you get an elephant to come in a thimble?
A: Stuff a bale of hay in it.

Q: How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble?
A: One straw at a time.

Q: What has 2 greay legs and 2 brown legs?
A: An elephant with diarrhea.

I stopped reading after Booooing Booooing Booooing because my eyes were watering.

By: Tony Tieuli  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 19:56:46 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

WOW!!

 

Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?

 

I guess the moderators looked at this and thought "TL:DR".  I am surprised at some of the things in there, but not when I consider the source!!

By: Dennis Dohogne  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 19:56:58 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

What is read and green and goes 100 MPH?

By: Dennis Dohogne  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 19:57:29 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Dennis Dohogne wrote:

 

WOW!!

 

Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?

 

I guess the moderators looked at this and thought "TL:DR". I am surprised at some of the things in there, but not when I consider the source!!

I hope he didn't just type all of that out!

By: Jim Steinmeyer  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 20:34:15 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Jim Steinmeyer - No surely not Rick Becker - he designed a progressive die the other day and that's what came out in the test run

By: John Stoltzfus  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 20:35:48 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Dennis Dohogne wrote:

 

What is read and green and goes 100 MPH?

 

A frog in a blender on high!

By: Rick Becker  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 20:47:26 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Rick Becker wrote:

 

Dennis Dohogne wrote:

 

What is read and green and goes 100 MPH?

 

A frog in a blender on high!

Yep!

 

We are cut from the same cloth!!!

By: Dennis Dohogne  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 21:02:53 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

his butt

By: Vance Wright  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 21:25:50 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

If procrastination was an Olympic sport, i'd compete in it later.

By: Duncan Gillis  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 22:15:38 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

my jokes are still in alpha, hopefully they'll get beta

By: Duncan Gillis  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 22:22:00 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

By: Duncan Gillis  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 22:27:34 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Duncan Gillis wrote:

 

my jokes are still in alpha, hopefully they'll get beta

Or maybe, better if they don't?

By: Jim Steinmeyer  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 22:32:11 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

unfortunately they don't!!!

By: Duncan Gillis  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 22:44:16 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

that means no little Jonny Jokes.....

By: David Matula  Thu, 06 Dec 2018 23:37:19 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

By: Dennis Dohogne  Fri, 07 Dec 2018 13:20:49 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

By: David Matula  Fri, 07 Dec 2018 14:32:36 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Little guy comes home from school and says to his mom "A mouse ran up the Teachers leg today and she squeezed the mouse with her hand and I didn't know that it's possible for a mouse to have that much water"

By: John Stoltzfus  Fri, 07 Dec 2018 14:38:16 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Why aren't jetskis called boatercyles...

By: Duncan Gillis  Fri, 07 Dec 2018 21:46:43 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?  I don't know and I don't care.

By: Vance Wright  Fri, 07 Dec 2018 21:52:56 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

By: David Matula  Sat, 08 Dec 2018 18:51:21 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

I was addicted to he hokey pokey, but i turned myself around.

By: Duncan Gillis  Sun, 09 Dec 2018 22:58:45 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Q. How do you kill a blue elephant?

A. With a blue elephant gun.........

 

Q. How do you kill a pink elephant?

A. Strangle it until it turns blue and then shoot it with the blue elephant gun!

 

Dave.

By: Dave Bear  Sun, 09 Dec 2018 23:49:12 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandfather.

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

By: Duncan Gillis  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 00:10:49 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

By: Dennis Dohogne  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 12:57:20 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Dennis Dohogne  wrote:

 

 

OMG, I am so bringing this one home to my wife!   I almost fell out of my chair!  That is EXACTLY what happens at my house EVERY DAY!

By: Dan Pihlaja  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 15:32:22 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

1-1JKQ4MN wrote:

 

OMG, I am so bringing this one home to my wife! I almost fell out of my chair! That is EXACTLY what happens at my house EVERY DAY!

 

So I read this to my wife at home......she didn't appreciate it as much as I did.

By: Dan Pihlaja  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 15:40:48 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Dan Pihlaja wrote:

 

Dennis Dohogne wrote:

 

 

OMG, I am so bringing this one home to my wife! I almost fell out of my chair! That is EXACTLY what happens at my house EVERY DAY!

Make sure the couch is comfortable any you have a blanket there first.

By: Jim Steinmeyer  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 15:43:01 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Dan Pihlaja wrote:

So I read this to my wife at home......

 

Now that may be the funniest joke of the day...

By: Rick Becker  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 15:43:40 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Jim Steinmeyer wrote:

 

Dan Pihlaja wrote:

 

Dennis Dohogne wrote:

 

 

OMG, I am so bringing this one home to my wife! I almost fell out of my chair! That is EXACTLY what happens at my house EVERY DAY!

Make sure the couch is comfortable and you have a blanket there first.

Timing is everything!  Jim, are you speaking from experience?

By: Dennis Dohogne  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 15:49:37 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Mine do that when:

Washing dishes with tap running

Bushing teeth with electric tooth brush

Showing

 

If I ask what she was saying, it got worse.

 

Couch is comfy and blanket is there.

I slept there for a week already

By: Frederick Law  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 15:51:44 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Dennis Dohogne wrote:

 

Jim Steinmeyer wrote:

 

Dan Pihlaja wrote:

OMG, I am so bringing this one home to my wife! I almost fell out of my chair! That is EXACTLY what happens at my house EVERY DAY!

Make sure the couch is comfortable and you have a blanket there first.

Timing is everything! Jim, are you speaking from experience?

 

Speaking from

          "I know better" self preservation mode.

By: Jim Steinmeyer  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 15:59:37 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

and.............

 

Your nippy

By: John Stoltzfus  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 16:05:10 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Dan Pihlaja  wrote:

 

1-1JKQ4MN wrote:

 

OMG, I am so bringing this one home to my wife! I almost fell out of my chair! That is EXACTLY what happens at my house EVERY DAY!

 

So I read this to my wife at home......she didn't appreciate it as much as I did.

Don't forget - the best part of marriage is after you go through issues, the make up time is best   So don't sweat the small things... 

By: John Stoltzfus  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 16:07:47 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Todd Blacksher, I thought of you for this.

By: Dennis Dohogne  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 16:14:34 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Dan Pihlaja, for you.

By: Dennis Dohogne  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 16:29:41 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

By: David Matula  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 16:33:33 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

An elderly couple were sitting on the sofa after a party celebrating their 60th anniversary.

Suddenly the old woman turns and slaps the old man across the face.

He says "What was that for?".

She replies "For 60 years of bad sex".

He sits silently for a couple of minutes and then slaps her.

She ask "What was that for?".

He answers "For knowing the difference".

By: Richard Ahlgrim  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 16:40:25 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench in the Old Folks Home courtyard and an elderly man walks past and one of the ladies said "Hey you, I bet we can tell your age if you drop your pants"?  The old guy stops and asks "How could you tell" and the lady said "I count the rings just like on a tree" and the old guy says, "No way that could be true", the lady said, "Try me" - So the old guy drops his drawers and the ladies check him over and they all three said "You're 84", he pulls up his pants and stood there all puzzled like and shook his head and said "Well I'll be, you're right, but I still can't figure out how you can tell" and the first lady said, "We were at your birthday party last night"

By: John Stoltzfus  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 16:53:49 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

By: Dennis Dohogne  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 17:12:38 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

By: Dennis Dohogne  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 17:28:07 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Is it just me, or is the direction of these jokes taking on a .......similar.....  tone? 

By: Dan Pihlaja  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 17:29:53 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Dan Pihlaja - He might be living it

By: John Stoltzfus  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 17:34:46 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Okay, Dan, how about this one from my almost three-year-old niece:

Q:  Why can't you trust cashews?

 

 

 

 

A:  Because they're nuts!

By: Dennis Dohogne  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 17:39:17 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

vpC.gif

By: Paul Salvador  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 18:03:17 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

From a great and amusing talk the author/Educator Sir Ken Robinson gave at a TED talk some years ago. (54M views !!)

From the mouths of children...

 

A little girl who was in a drawing lesson. She was six, and she was at the back, drawing, and the teacher said this girl hardly ever paid attention, and in this drawing lesson, she did. The teacher was fascinated. She went over to her, and she said, "What are you drawing?" And the girl said, "I'm drawing a picture of God." And the teacher said, "But nobody knows what God looks like." And the girl said, "They will, in a minute."

 

Edited

link was not working

By: Neville Williams  Mon, 10 Dec 2018 03:08:19 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

By: Dennis Dohogne  Tue, 11 Dec 2018 12:22:07 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

From my fortune cookie:

IMG_20181211_113216.jpg

What happen today?

Only if I can get through today.

By: Frederick Law  Tue, 11 Dec 2018 16:51:03 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Dan Pihlaja wrote:

 

Is it just me, or is the direction of these jokes taking on a .......similar..... tone?

 

I've got one I'd love to post, but it definitely goes over the "clean" line.

By: Glenn Schroeder  Tue, 11 Dec 2018 16:55:41 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Yeah, too many make me think of the Dirty Harry jokes......  See Below

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

His Mom caught him playing in a Mud Puddle 

By: John Stoltzfus  Tue, 11 Dec 2018 16:58:06 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

By: Duncan Gillis  Tue, 11 Dec 2018 21:51:28 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

By: Dennis Dohogne  Wed, 12 Dec 2018 12:24:34 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Image result for how many ears does captain kirk have

By: Kevin Pymm  Wed, 12 Dec 2018 12:31:43 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Kevin Pymm wrote:

Image result for how many ears does captain kirk have

That's great!

 

And while this one is not technically a joke, IT IS HILARIOUS!!

William Shatner "Sings" 'Rocket Man' (1978) - BEST QUALITY! - YouTube

 

This comes with a double your money back guarantee if you don't enjoy it!

By: Dennis Dohogne  Wed, 12 Dec 2018 12:38:58 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

You guys do know he has a new Xmas album - "Shatner Claus"?

By: Ian Worrall  Wed, 12 Dec 2018 12:40:28 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

I took a deposit to my local bank this morning.

When I walked in I said " raise your hand if you are tired of snow."

As the 2 tellers immediately raised both hands I happened to glance at the band manager in her office.

From the look on her face I don't think she heard what I said.

By: Jim Steinmeyer  Wed, 12 Dec 2018 19:06:30 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Inspired by the great, Rick Becker, I present these. . .

 

My grief counsellor died recently. Luckily, he was so good I didn't give a schiitt.

 

The young couple living next to me have made a sex tape.  Obviously, they don’t know that yet.

 

The other day a woman described me as a bit of a “looker”.  Well, “voyeur” was the actual word she used.

 

I hired a landscape gardener, but he couldn’t help because he said my garden was portrait.

 

Every Christmas day, we have pigs in blankets, or as you probably call it, relatives sleeping in the spare room.

 

It’s tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper, and then it’s my job to talk them down.

 

I’ve got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

 

The doctor told me to lose some weight. I said, “How?”  He said, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”  I said, “What, pies, chips, that sort of thing?”  He said, “No, just don’t eat anything, Fatty.”

 

I remember sitting in Psychology class and learning about Pavlov, thinking, “Those stupid dogs.”  Then the bell went off and we all had lunch.

 

Red sky at night.  Light of shorter wavelength is being dissipated by water vapor and atmospheric dust.

Red sky in the morning?  Same.

 

My girlfriend’s dog died so to cheer her up, I got her an identical one.  She was livid!  “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

 

I always worry that when a woman sees me naked for the first time, that she’s just going to scream and run out of the park.

 

I put on a lot of weight, so I called up Weightwatchers.  I said, “It’s an emergency, can you send somebody round?”  They said, “Yes we can, we’ve got loads of them.”

 

I was actually thrown out of Weightwatchers for making sarcastic comments at the weekly weigh-in.  As you can imagine, I accepted the decision with huge grace, ‘cause they threw her out as well.

 

It’s been a tough week, I got myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.

 

As a child I was made to walk the plank.  We couldn’t afford a dog.

 

I went on a positive thinking course. It was schiitt.  I knew it would be.  And it was half-empty.

By: Dennis Dohogne  Wed, 12 Dec 2018 19:36:56 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

Rodney..?

rodney.gif

By: Paul Salvador  Wed, 12 Dec 2018 19:53:31 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

For my friends across the pond...

 

You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there?

 

 

 

 

 

European.

 

 

By: John Frahm  Thu, 13 Dec 2018 00:43:03 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

 

And I told him, “No it doesn’t!”

By: John Frahm  Thu, 13 Dec 2018 00:44:35 GMT
Re: Non-Technical thread:Favorite (clean) jokes

After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table.

I needed a running start, but I made it!

By: John Frahm  Thu, 13 Dec 2018 00:47:18 GMT
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